Wednesday, March 28, 2001

i hate me...i hate being me..i hate seeing me...i hate everything else about me. I reccomend that every just open up their hate and direct it towards me. Can't hurt me anymore than I am already hurting.
WTF?!?!?!?!
Why do I even bother to trust people? All that happens is that I set myself up to be hurt or screwed in the end. Case in point I put trust in to someone, I thought that they were a friend. Thing is as of late they have been kind of harsh and not really a good friend. However, tonight was the icing on the cake. I mean that is totally it..I'm not dealing with her shit anymore. She totally betrayed the trust I had in her and has just been decalssified as a friend of mine. While I fully admit I had done what I was asked not to do, I am a little, no wait extremely perturbed at the fact that the trust I had in this person was totally betrayed. Why did I waste 2 years hanging out and being friends with this girl to have her turn around and screw me several times in the passed few months. Because I am an idiot I think is the correct response. Bleh so anyway...don't expect to see much of me for a while, while I get over this and manage to find myself other screen names and icq numbers. If you know my email address you can email me...or you can call if you have my phone number. HEH of if you have my email I"ll give you my phone number...anyway signing out of here...fuck the internet...fuck people in general. Life is crap...

Tuesday, March 27, 2001

bleh...
Long time no write...not much to say and no motivation to write anything. Still waiting to hear back from job. Everything else is about the same as well. Things don't really change for me all that much. I guess that could be a good thing or a bad thing.....

Wednesday, March 21, 2001

*sigh*
I just wish I knew why I felt so lonely all the time. I wish I knew why I always feel things for the wrong people. I wish I knew what is wrong with me...I wish I understood what it was about me that makes me so unattractive. Why is it that the people I become attracted to aren't attracted to me ever.....I wish I knew...

Tuesday, March 20, 2001

*sigh*
ya know I am really glad that I have friends like jess. Friends that are there for you when you need them. Friends that care. People that you can go to when you need to talk about something or just want to talk. Friends that you can talk to and know that what you say to them is in confidence.
ugh...
Ok so I told her that I like and she swears she isn't going to act any different. That really means a lot to me, as well as the friendship that we have means a lot to me. Hopefully she understands how I am feeling and can understand that our friendship does mean a lot and that I really don't have any idea why I was upset. Anyway hopefully today will be a better day than yesterday was...*sigh*

Monday, March 19, 2001

Why could I just keep my mouth shut..I knew I was going to get hurt. So like a moron I opened my mouth and said what I shouldn't have said....ugh...I guess I will never learn.
since all I can seem to do is piss people off, make them annoyed at me and have them mess with me perhaps the world would be better off without me.....
lame...
So I have come to the realization that my dreams and aspirations will never come true. That is why they are dreams and not realities.I guess I should just settle for whatever comes my way. I mean in a sense I don't think I will ever get the chance to do some of the things that I want to do, or see some of the people that I would like to see.
I should just chill and things run their course. I should accept the fact that I am single and that I will remain single indefinately, mainly because I can't find the right person. I don't like the feeling of having a missing part of me. I have had this feeling for way too long. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it either. Is it maybe that my standards are too high? Should I be more out for some $5 hooker...than a girl that is smart, cute, funny, likes me for me, and enjoys having my company??? Am I looking for too much in someone? I am starting to think that is what my problem is. Of course, then again the problem could just be me. Maybe I am the source of all my pain and agony. Maybe I bring it all on myself and I am the only one that can terminate it.
The thing is though, what do you do when it seems everyone you become slightly interested in either already has someone or isn't interested in you. I think some of my problem could be that I keep my feelings inside of me and don't let them out enough. Maybe I miss the bus on some of this stuff too much...*sigh*
I don't want to move. I don't want to leave where I am. The time is drawing near though. I have to make a choice...do I want to finish this chapter in my life and leave, or do I want to take a chance at fucking up my entire life and staying. Probably the first of the two choices is what will happen. As much as I don't want to do it, I fear that there is nothing I can do to stop it. Not to mention the reasons that I would want to stay where I am are kind of pathetic. They go back to dreams of things that will never happen. *sigh*
I wonder how many people actually read this crap I write in here. I am merely writing my thoughts for myself. That is, does anyone else even read it? Well let's do this...if you read this bullshit that I spew from my fingertips everyday send an email to shiathead@hotmail.com. Let me know what you think. Let me know how fucked up you think I am. I know I am nuts and should locked away or something, I just wonder how many other people feel the same way that I do.
I guess I should stop stalling for time here and go back to work on this outline that I have due tomorrow. I shall work on it I suppose, mainly because it is harder to sit here and not do anything and miss someone than it is to work sit here and work on the outline at this point in time. Anyway enough crap for one day...still dreaming and thinking of things that aren't going to happen. Still wish that the person I want to talk to was around right now. Oh well that is how life goes...out...
grrr.....
always interested in what I can't have. Always interested in the wrong people...story of my life...you figure it out....
woop....
Ok so I am skipping my first class after break. What kind of slacker am I? A damn good one if you ask me. Well I made an appearance at it. I was there long enough to get my assignment back, and to find out I had a test next monday. Oh well, that class doesn't interest me much anyway and I am doing half way decent in it, so I guess it isn't all that bad.
Well, I've put myself into the position to be hurt again. The thing is, that I know that I am going to be hurt. I guess I should just distance myself from it all and forget about it. That is probably the best thing for me to do. Of course, it seems I have some sort of disease where I can't stay away from the things or people that I know are going to hurt me....
I really should leaern my lesson, that is all for now. Back to the hell that I consider my life.


Sunday, March 18, 2001

bleh....
So I'm back from this little trip I took. I guess the interview went alright. They said I would know something in 2 weeks. One way or another they would contact me. Thursday night in reston was fun for a bit. The highlight was hitting reston town center and petting the horses at the barn.
Friday was kind of drag...probably because I couldn't sleep thursday night and was up thinking for a long time.Anyway after a late afternoon visit back to the barn it was time to head to Manassas. It took about 30 minutes to get there. Probably about 10 minutes after I got there, we left to head to Jaxx to catch a band play. The band was called Brave...it was amusing. After their set ended we headed back to manassas to hang out and what not. I hit the sack or should I say the floor around 2am I guess. I spent the Saturday night on the floor too. Needless to say I am ready for some sleep in my bed at home and not on a damn floor. The food in Manassas was fantastic. She is a really good cook =).
Anyway so today is Sunday and I am back home and just finished up doing the homework that I have due tomorrow. I got some help from the girl that lives across the street. I felt so retarded that I couldn't do this work. Anyway it is done now and I must close this out so that I can talk to the one person that I have been wanting to talk to all weekend. YES YOU!!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!
OK....never mind she has to run...So I shall blab some more I guess. Anyway when you are driving and you are alone you have a lot of time to think about things. I certainly had plenty of time, over the last 700 miles I just drove. I had time to think about my life and what not. I am not so sure I like the direction that my life is going in, but I don't know how to change it. I am also not so sure that I like the way love goes, but who cares cause love sucls. I never seem to be in the right place at the right time, in fact I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. How much farther off could someone get? Why is it that in love I always tend to go for the unatainable, only to get myself hurt in the long run. Perhaps it is due to sutpidity? I have no earthly idea why I continue to put myself through the stress of it. I should just sit around and be single and wait for someone to come to me, instead of looking for someone. Yeah right...like someone would ever come looking for me. Hell I can't even get an iguana that I feed everyday to come to me when I call his name...Bleh and as far as life goes, mine is so not going where I want it to go. I am tired of feeling out place and that I don't fit in. I don't like what I am doing in school anymore. I don't know what I want to do, but it doesn't really matter because unfortunately I finish school in may and the hopes that I had to continue my education have been crushed. Typical of things that happen in my life.
Anyway I think I have blabbed enough on here for now. I shall go and speak later pehaps if I awake tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not wake up in the morning...Maybe there is a way to find out...who knows. At this point in time, I am so lonely I don't even want to be with myself. I am a meger 22 years old, but lifes problems and issues are overcoming me. It is such a shame to throw it all away, but I think that may be the only way to make myself happy....

Wednesday, March 14, 2001

grrrrrrrrrrrrrr...................
well today was going a little bit better than earlier then it took a nose dive. Aside from the nervousness of this interview, I have the same feelings as always. Additionally, I just got like five new assholes ripped for asking my parents for $80. Right now I don't want to go to this damn interview, because I quite frankly don't care anymore. As for the money well you could just say no...you don't have to chew me out and make me feel like I am scum of the earth because I asked for a few dollars. Asking for $80 isn't really that much when you are making well in to the 6 figures.....bah whatever....
I just can't win...it doesn't mater what I do. I am really starting to think that all of this is stemming from the fact that I am the first born child. In other words, when I screw up I get it a lot harder than anyone else does. I try my best at this stuff. My best just doesn't seem to be good enough for anyone.
My best doesn't seem to be good enough for anything. Not in love, not in life, and not in school. Bah as it relates with love and being interested in people, that shit is just never going to happen. I have all but given up complete hope in that now. I always have interest in the wrong people, people that don't see me they way I want them to. People that just aren't interested in me. WTF is wrong with me? Don't you think I would get it after a while? Well apparently not. I just don't care about anything anymore. It's never good enough, it's never right...It doesn't matter. So why should I care anymore?
Life sucks...then you die...
full of disappointment and shame...
who are you to argue with that?
bored
Ok...so no one is in the office now. They all went to a meeting. There is nothing to do and I am bored. Once again I have free time on my hands that I shouldn't have. When I have free time I tend to let my mind drift off and think about things that are better left not tought about.
So anyway...I have this job interview tomorrow. It is at 2pm...I am semi interested in this company, but I would rather work for someone else. The place I want to work can't hire right now because of the governor. On top of that I don't really think they are interested in me anyway. I've applied for several positions, and never once got a call back or anything from them =(. But anyway I am nervous about this thing tomorrow. It's the first real interview for a job that I have had. This is gonna be interesting I think....
On top of having my mind stuck on this job thing and a bunch of other things. I have to do research for a lame paper today that I am not interested in doing. I have to get the outline for this thing done today, because I won't be able to work on it until Monday and it is due on Tuesday.*sighs* So anyway I have to do that along with pack and blah blah blah.....
So I'll be in dahlgren tomorrow during the day and reston at night. Then, Friday - Sunday I will be in Manassas. For someone that doesn't like norther virginia much, I'm sure going to be spending a lot of time there this week. Well I guess i should stop wasting time and work on this research. I have 300+ miles in front of me tomorrow that I can think about girl problems and life in general. So more than likely this is the last you will hear from me until sunday night...later...or something...
for some reason I get the idea that people actually read this...I think the only people that read are the ones I give the earle (URL) to...who knows...
something or another...
As I sit alone in the mornings I have a lot of time to think about things. I sit and think about how things would be if I have my way and it brings a smile to my face. I also sit and think about how things are at this moment. I realize that things are the way they are for a reason, and there is nothing I can do to change them. If things were meant to be another way, then they would. I realize that I am insignificant to a lot of people. I also realize that a lot of people care, perhaps they just don't care in the way I want them to. By not caring in the way that I want them to, I think i dismiss it sometimes as they don't care. The thing is, I can't change how anyone feels about me, I can just understand how they feel. After I understand how they feel there is nothing I can do other than accept how they feel.
The more I have time to sit and think about things, the more I begin to realize that what I think I might want at this particular time probably isn't right for me. My life is going to have major changes in it, once May rolls around. These changes are inevitable, there is nothing I can do to slow them or stop them from happening. These changes scare me. I don't know how to react to them. I also find it very hard to deal with alone. Who knows...maybe today will be better....bleh...
I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself....anymore....